68.8

Yesterday ended up eating too much again, ate raisins, blackberries, ice cream and some sandwiches but I guess it wasn't too horrible because I did my workout and went walking later.

Today I've eaten -- omelette, chicken, raisins, some salad, little bit pineapple.

Also did my workout, I hope I can keep going.

I'm still alive

69,9

So once again, I am back at this number.

Last time it took me nearly two weeks to lose 5kgs, let's see how long will it take now..

Past two months I've been eating more than ever fucking before and my body looks disgusting. I can't face the mirror.

Right now I have a week off from school. Great. School sucks, grades are better than ever before but I can't cope without food there, some days I leave home before 7AM and get home after 10PM... I don't know how the fuck am I able to find so much time to eat??! What the fuck?! Oh and I think about food all the time. I think about lunch break and after the lunch break I think about getting home and sometimes just go to the store and buy some food and dear lord I wanna quit. I have to stop.

I feel betrayed by a few former friends, I am disappointed, it makes me want to prove them it's possible to step over my own shadow and go on with my life. I wish I had never gotten along with them, it would make everything much easier.

Today I've eaten

A cup of soup

Three apples 

Planning to work out later.

Hello

Hey there!!

Sorry I've been busy with school.

Everything besides eating is good.

I was 66.0 this morning but I'll probably be at 67 point something tomorrow.

School has really taken all my strenght, power, everything.

But I'm not going to quit!! It's just matter of time...

1 - fresh start

66,5

I screwed up yesterday. Won't reach my goal, but whatever.. I don't even know if I could've lost 2kg in three days but I do know I can't lose 1,3kg in two days in a row so I fucked up and I'm dissapointed in myself.

The hardest part for me is the beginning... The first three days.. I can't just stop once I've started. After three days it's easier, I get used to it, I tell myself I've worked for this and if I screw up, I screw up what I've been working on for all this time.

I really want to start today.. I keep thinking "So, I'll eat some this and some of that and tomorrow I will not eat" but this is a lie. Tomorrow won't be a better day. Tomorrow I will weigh even more if I didn't start today. Every damn thing looks so delicious. Seriously, I MUST start today. I need to be in a better state of mind by the time I start school again, it's either now or not anytime soon.

I think about food all the time.

I think about food more than I think about my friends or family.

Food is like my everything. I want it to mean nothing. I don't want to love it anymore.

11AM - woke up

2PM - Haven't eaten anything yet. Water only. Let's see how long I can handle it. I should do something useful. Clean my room. Do the laundry. No food. Watch thinspo. Make a new weaknesses list. Take all the empty wine bottles to trash...

3PM - Made myself a cup of green tea. No food, just no. 

5PM - No, no, no. So hard.

9PM - Ate 2 small apples and 12 small plums today. Not eating any more. Good day overall. Over a long time. Will go to sleep soon.

New list of things I don't eat

 Will remove something every Sunday if I'm a good girl

1. Sour cream -- I've had like a year's dose within last few days

 2. Mayonnaise 

3. Ice cream -- I've had enough 

4. Milk

5. Pudding -- I often have some after school if I'm going to work out later. Not anymore.

6. Yoghurt -- Don't need anything to replace the pudding

7. Potato chips -- I don't even like those.

8. Jelly

9. Cheese -- might be the first thing I take off the list but it has to be here.

10. Olive oil -- this has to stop for a while

11. All candy except peppermint caramel

12. Wine

13. Cider

14. Vodka

15. Soda

16. Juice

17. Vermouth

18. Chocolate (except dark chocolate)

19. Burgers

20. Hotdogs

Okay that should be enough for now.

One big change - I allow myself to eat cookies, pastry and stuff... I think I shouldn't avoid wheat so much, I should rather focus on not eating milk products.. I don't think my body really likes lactose.

0

66,0

Ate everything yesterday and ate everything today and will probably gain a million pounds now.

I am so mad at myself.

I worked so hard and now I ruin everything within a day or two.

"Tomorrow I'll" yeah whatever the fuck tomorrow might be worse even though it's hard to eat more than I did today.

WHY AM I SO DUMB???????? What's wrong?? I'm so afraid of tomorrow. Afraid of THAT number..  It has become so important for me, it's almost like.. the only thing I want.. I want that number to be smaller and smaller than smaller but I keep on fucking it up.

I don't know.

It used to be easier.

I didn't gain during the trip.

And now I've become such a fat ass in just a few days.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!!!! 

GETTTTT YOUR LAZY ASSS OFF THE COUCH!!!!

0

65,5 the day before yesterday

66,6 yesterday

65,2 today

Most shitty crappy eating shit week in my life and everything besides eating is absolutely amazing, life is good fabulous paradise love joy but I can't stop. I MUST STOP! Today has been almost okay, two (five now, ate during writing this) vanilla cookies, fish, olive oil, garlic, salt, tomatoes, cucumbers, I should eat less but that's better than yesterday or the days before.. I've been drinking, binging, smoking, eating sweets, I don't even want to, it's just that...

It's just because I can...

School on monday. My goal is to be below 64,0 by then. Possible if I start today. Should fast tomorrow maybe..

3

64,2

It's a miracle.

I ate two small chocolate eggs and rice and pepper yesterday plus what I wrote earlier. Okay chocolate eggs weren't small, more like medium or big.. But that's not the main problem. The main problem is, I WENT DRINKING AND I SUCK!!!! FUCK!! And then, when drunk, started eating some chips. I hate these, not even a little bit deliciousss!! And I can't believe, I didn't gain weight, I actually weight less than I did before Italy.... HOW?????? How is that possible?! How did I do it? Should I start drinking more? Eat more choco eggs? Work out less? 

Alright I did cycle 8 miles or something yesterday, but that doesn't have any effect on me for sure. It's just probably dehydration caused by that bloody wine and vodka shit. I'll gain all back by tomorrow, watch me. Alright good thing is, I don't have a scale tomorrow, don't wanna face those huge numbers.

Today, so far: Minced meat, turkish beans, carrots, salt, tomatoes. Dunno what to eat, gonna cycle later and maybe drinking, need some energy but I'm afraid to gain everything back.

We'll see what happens..

2

65,9 yesterday

64,9 today

So the day before yesterday, I ended up binging. Started out with healthy salads, then took some soup, then went for the cakes, then everything random... After that, I just felt sick. I purged, felt bad for some little time and then what? I binged again. What a dumb thing to do, I was so mad at myself!! I hadn't purged for quite some time, but one night near Rome I decided to do it "just this one more time" and now back home another "last time" and I don't want to continue like this, it is gross and I feel like shit every time I do it. Must stop.

Yesterday morning I got myself together. Ate around 15 plums, straight from our garden. Sounds like huge amount of food but actually it's huge amount of laxative. Ate clean for the rest of the day, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, olive oil, salt, rice, a little bit chichken, garlic, apples and blackberries. No exercise or anything, that was a bit bad yeah. But I'm content with what I saw on the scale today. I'm even a little bit okay with what I see in the mirror.

Today I've eaten plums, not as many as yesterday, but still many. Tomatoes, cucumbers with olive oil, salt and garlic.... Gonna eat something more later. Must get back to exercising, ohhhhhh. Hard to get back to it when I've broken the routine already. I feel damn cold at home, damn, it was so warm in Italy and now I feel cold and a little bit sick here... Alright. Today won't be any problem, but this weekend I'm going to visit a few friends and I have to be careful. Today I'm going on a party but I plan to stay 100% sober and stay there only for some half and hour or so. That's the plan. I will stick to the plan. I'll be pretttty oneday. :D

 

0

64,9

Hello lovelies, I'm back!!

Damn it was hard without that scale..

Went to Italy with my schoolmates - the trip was absolutely amazing, we had so much fun. Saw so many people I had missed. Ate so much food, I didn't really miss that but whaaatever and drank so much wine honestly I've never had so much ever before.

And after all of this, 64,9???! What?! I managed to not gain a million billion pounds??! I've gained only one! What is this I don't even know but ohhhhhh man I'm so happy about that! No workouts, no healthy food, no water, nothing.. I just kept eating almost everything and anything I could...

At first I wrote down everything I ate but soon I gave up because I ate so much come on it was too hard. Fresh croissants every morning, pasta, pizza, pastry, ice cream, wine, basically I took every possible tasty meal I was offered.. Shit. And after all, we were supposed to be back home like three or so days ago but our god damn bus broke down and couldn't really be repaired nor even replaced!! We were stuck in Italy, spent three nights in some random hotel which stood right next to a MacDonald's so fresh chickenburgers for lunch and McFlurries for dinner or whatever. And then over the street there was such a good pizza restaurant so add that too.. And we had nothing much to do so we kept on drinking and drinking...

And I didn't gain a million pounds...

I did miss healthy food a lot, feels horrible if you can't get fresh tomatoes and stuff from anywhere. There was no market near the hotel and I also started running out of money which meant I lived on cheap burgers and pizza. I came back home with only 10 damn euros, now I'm poor as fuck. 

But it feels so good to be back home.

I'm still not back on track, yesterday on our way back I tried my best to spend all my foreign currency (I felt like if I don't spend it now then this money will stay on my cupboard forever and it'll be useless) and we went shopping in Poland, horribly cheap food in Poland, dammmn.. So today I've eaten tic tac, one Daim chocolate, two muesli bars, cucumber salad with olive oil and garlic and tomato-pepper salad with garlic and some cream or something (dunno even what it is but it's delicious and full of fat) i bought from Poland.. Not even close to shiiitload I consumed in Italy, but not really good either. I will try to get back on track and start working out and lose a few pounds before September.

Thank you darlings for everything you've said before - I feel like I don't walk the walk alone. Gonna catch up on blogs and then get some sleep later. :)

 

16

64,5

Going away in a few hours. I've eaten too much today, made some pizza, with cheese and everything, drank wine, horrible. VERY BAD EATING TODAY. I'm going to be in Italy for some 10 days or so, guess what else there's gonna be? Pasta, more pizza, more wine, everything, honestly... Fuck, fuck, fuck!! I've come quite far and now I destroy everything...

I'll start again when I'm back. I'll try not to gain too much.

 

14 - 15

65,1 yesterday

64,8 today

I'm pretty pleased I must say. Now I just hope it's not going up..

My trip coming closer and I'm getting really scared. Can't even weigh myself everyday. I know I shouldn't but it's hard not to. I depend on my scale. Horrible.

Yesterday ate a slice of bread, gooseberries, tomatoes, salt, olive oil, garlic, some greasy zucchini, carrots, blackberries that's all I can recall maybe there was more but I don't know. Went cycling + workout.

Today I've eaten tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and onion salad with olive oil, garlic and salt. Pretty big portion, not proud. Then rice with tuna and tomatoes, bad. Dried apricots. Blackberries. And the worst - some semolina-based dessert my mom made, ugh, I didn't take much but I just.... What was on my mind?? I don't even like this stuff so much. I don't know how much sugar it contains but probably too much.  Not planning to eat more today. Will do my workout later.

Gotta be strong!!

13

66,2 again, alright

Didn't eat anything today. 

Did my workout, felt really good and happy, haven't felt like this for a while. Didn't go cycling but what ever I'm very ok with everything today. It was a good day and I'm in a good mood!!!

4 days until Italy.

12

66,2

I ate too much yesterday. It started out well and then I just got so hungry, I took some candy, I couldn't stop anymore, I quite fucked up and then ate some more, I don't even remember how much I ate.. I'm just having some bad days, my head aches, my legs hurt. I don't feel so motivated right now because I'm going to Italy next week and I have no fucking idea what to do. I know I can't go on like this, I don't want people to notice or ask me if I'm on a diet or something, I don't want to eat but I'll probably have to. I'm scared. I think I'm going fat anyway. But before, I'd really like to reach 65,0kg, I'd like to be able to wear my dresses or skirts because the weather will be HOT there.. I have five days, I hope it's possible, I'm going to work for it. I will.

Today I ate cucumbers and tomatoes with garlic, olive oil, salt, dried apricots. I probably ate too much and I won't be surprised if I continue to gain weight tomorrow. I eat healthy food, but too much healthy food and it's not so healthy anymore. My parents are away so tomorrow would be good for a small fast... Either tomorrow or not so soon. And I should work out MUCH more. Basically, I haven't done anything for two days now. I have a list of things I should do tomorrow - sleep until noon, wash my clothes, clean the kitchen, go cycling, cook for my brothers, clean my own room, pick all the gooseberries and blackberries and freeze them, watch some movie, find and download a million new songs to listen to when on a trip and find some books to read... Hopefully it will keep me occupied. 

11 - August!

65,5

I'm not fasting today. Maybe some other time. My weight has been dropping a bit too fast I think. I'm SO HAPPY SO DAMN glad it's gone but I'm afraid I might gain all back if I push myself too hard. I've eaten around 200 calories today, black bread, gooseberries, peas, cucumbers. Will eat some minced meat with carrots and peppers, tomatoes and olive oil later I think.

So, it's finally August!! It means I've completed my challenge, didn't eat anything from my weaknesses list for 10 days!! It wasn't easy. Ice cream was the hardest part at first, then sour cream... But now I already feel I can survive without right now.. It's been harder to resist all the cakes and pastry... And sometimes I really feel like "damn, this cheese looks so damn delicious, I mustn't but I have to.. I need it... No I don't need it. But I really do. Damn. Cheese. Alright, breathe in, breathe out... Get away. Go outside.. No cheese for you. Find something else to do..." well you get the point. 

At first I thought I would reward myself with everything on the list now that I'm done with my small challenge but that wouldn't be really a good reward... So instead, I will reward myself and allow myself to take one thing off this list and keep away from the rest for a week.. And if successful, I can remove something again. 

1. Ice cream

2. Sour cream

3. Wine

4. Alcohol

4. Wheat smut

5. Cookies, cakes

6. Cheese

7. Mayonnaise

8. Chocolate

9. Juice

Just in case. This doesn't actually leave me with many drinking options because I usually drink vodka with juice or wine and those are still on the list and I usually don't overdrink when I drink pure vodka so this should be safe. I can't imagine how much I'd eat right now if I took cakes or cheese off this list so better leave them in. :D

I was also planning to start some 30-day challenge today but I'm going on a trip soon and I'm quite sure I would fail the challenge. I should leave that for september and try to stick with what I've been doing so far. 

10

65,8

I did not stay under 500 today. 

Ate so much candy almost 300 calories. Disgusting!!

+ a big meal -- cabbage, minced meat, tomatoes, garlic, olive oil.

+ peas, gooseberries.

A total of 600-700 I think.

Exercised a bit. No cardio tho.

Today I looked in the mirror and my legs really did look a little bit better.

But not good enough yet. Gotta keep going.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

9 - Things I do instead of eating

66,3kg

yes yes yes I hope it's true haha unbelieveable

So far I've eaten a slice of black bread (120) and some berries (40), one candy (20) and grapes (10) today. I think I'll eat something later, a few tomatoes with olive oil maybe. 

I felt really hungry this morning, after I had had that slice of bread I wanted to take more and more but  I had to stop because it was 120 calories already and I want to stay under 300 today. 

So I had to do something. I had to get out of the kitchen. So I decided to go cycling for an hour. 

I came back and guess what -- I'm not even hungry anymore.

So there are some more things I do if I want to eat when I shouldn't --

1) I tell myself I don't have to - I take a deep breath, I tell myself I'm stronger than that, better than that and I have control over myself and my food. I remind myself my goals, my wishes, what I've done so far and where will I be in a few months.

2) I go outside - Swimming, jogging, cycling, skiing, even walking -- for me it's the best way to clear my mind. Sometimes I just take my mp3 player, water bottle and walk. It does burn calories. For some, it doesn't work, but for me, it does. It doesn't make me hungry, it makes me feel better and helps me to get my thoughts off food.

3) I read - I read other blogs, I read books, news, magazines, anything. Mostly blogs

4) TV - And I am NOT a TV fan at all, I think most of those shows are crap, but lately I've been watching some good documentaries and movies. My TV is really close to kitchen so this sucks a bit but I've set this rule for myself, no eating when I watch TV. Today I'm going to watch football, 1,5 hours of no eating for sure. :D

5) Writing this - Putting everything down here makes it a lot easier.

6)  I Sing - Either karaoke or just sing along to songs. It's impossible to sing and eat at the same time.

7) I take care of myself - I'm really lazy and usually I don't do my beauty procedures as often as I should, but I give myself a manicure or treat my hair.. Sometimes I even brush my teeth in the middle of the day.
8) Drinking - Water or tea of course. Sometimes coffee.
9) Dance - I put on some loud music and dance like no one's watching!! :D
10) I arrange my wardrobe - I orgnize my clothes, try on my smaller clothes, put away bigger clothes, if I fit into a smaller number it takes the hunger away, honestly.
11) Shopping - Sometimes I go and hang out in shops without buying anything and without having any intention to buy things.. Just walking around, trying things on, admiring stuff I can't afford and so on... It's almost like a workout.
12) I play some instrument - I have a guitar, but usually I go to a school near my home and play the piano there. I wish I had a piano at home, but no money, no room. The school is a mile away from my home, it's almost PERFECT and the only bad thing is I can't play during classes or at night. And I've heard it burns calories. 
13) Schoolwork - I'd rather have good grades than extra pounds.

Going back to school in September. I think I'm going to work harder this year. I actually promise that same damn thing every damn year but since it's my last year, it's my last chance to actually do it. And I might want to go to some good university next year so I should really get myself together.

8

66,9kg 

(FUCK YES BYE 67 I HOPE I WON'T GAIN NOW)

Today I ate:

Six cucumbers with garlic, salt, olive oil.

Three small tomatoes

A small piece of chicken

5 dried apricots

234567898765432345678 blackcurrants and gooseberries.

The bad thing is, I really did eat a lot of berries.

The good thing is, I'm done with blackcurrants. So done. I have picked ALLLLLL the blackcurrants (We have around ten BIG currant bushes in our garden). All of them!! I did NOT eat them all, we store most of the berries in a freeze box and eat our berries all year round and some we just gave away, but I still feel I've had too much. I can't even count the calories, I don't have any idea how much berries I've eaten.

And then another bad thing - gooseberries are ripe now. I mean it's good but I can't stop once I start eating.. I keep telling myself it's good, everything's healthy but then I eat so much it's not okay anymore. I should tell someone else to do the picking, but it wouldn't be fair, others in my family don't eat them as much as I do - I constantly take a few handfuls every now and then when I need something sweet during winter.. Others just go for ice cream or some baked goods. On some periods, we don't buy any healthy stuff like vegetables or fruits at all because things are DAMN EXPENSIVE in such a cold country.. Well these goods are full of toxin anyway.. Hopefully, one day, I'll live in some warmer place. :D

It was so HOT today. Going to do my legs workout now that the sun finally sets. Not pleased with myself because I should work out more.

I think I'll try to have a 300 calorie day tomorrow, 500 the day after tomorrow and Thursday fast.

But my dad is at home this week so we'll see how it goes. He has noticed I don't eat that much anymore AND he keeps offering me food all the time. I know I'm not making him happy right now..

I can't daddy, I'm sorry.

Take care!!

7

67,0 yesterday

67,0 today

Didn't eat much yesterday, tomatoes, zucchini, blackcurrants, olive oil, garlic, salt.. At least I didn't gain haha. Today has been really difficult so far, ate some blackcurrants and tomatoes for breakfast, soup for lunch and thought I'd skip the dinner BUT then my parents decided to call some people over for dinner and I had to eat too... So, fried potatoes and tomato salad with olive oil. I didn't take much though, so I'm pretty sure I'm under 500 calories but I don't know, I think I might have some curse or something, I can't get below 67. Alright, I lost 2,9kg in a week, that's great and no wonder it won't go down that easily anymore. But I still have much to lose.

Yesterday did some exercise for my legs.

Today went cycling, 450cal burned. Will do my leg exercises later.

I'm actually quite proud I haven't touched any cakes my mom has made so far. 

I'm trying to stay positive. Lately I've been feeling much better, I should try to push myself and exercise a bit more.

6 - Gained

67.5kg

Why the fuck? I gained weight. Didn't eat that much.

Fuck this number.

Spent the day shopping and stuff, so atleast I wasn't near the fridge. Really felt like I should give up again.

I think I thought about entering every single cafe on my way but thank god I'm poor and don't wanna spend money on food. I'm not even hungry anymore. I don't feel any hunger!!!!! I just wanna eat. Just because. But well I bought some beauty products instead. So it was a good day I think.

Ate 3 carrots, a bit chicken and loadsof blackcurrants when I got home.

If I gain tomorrow then goodbye blackcurrants... :D

Not going to eat more today. I'll do some exercise later for sure.

I can't even explain how much writing this down helps me.. I doubt I would've gone jogging yesterday if I hadn't written it here. I really did go altough I'm such a lazy person.

I'm a bit disappointed I already gained weight but to be honest, not in bad mood... I didn't lose control. I managed not to eat that lovely sour cream and ice cream when I got home. I seriously hate how much I love sour cream. I wish my daddy would stop buying it. Not giving up!!!! No no no. No sour cream for me!

In some months I'll be small enough to be picked up like that.

5 - My story

67,1kg

Good! I've finally found enough motivation to last longer than three days.

This has not happened for a while.

I have always been fat and this time I really want to get thin. I've tried so many times and given up so many times. I want this time to be different. I've been successful only once, that was like two years ago when I managed to lose 20kgs (44 pounds) in 2,5 months. Let's be honest, I was way too fat. I had so much fat to lose. No muscle, just pure fat, fat and more fat. I even felt good with all this fat, confident, happy... What ever. Everything changed. I have no idea why I even started dieting, but when I did it, I realized how big role looks can play in one's life, relationships, everything..

I was 181.6lbs and set a goal of 150lbs. It was not too hard to reach so I pushed myself even more. The  lighest I've ever been is 136.6lbs and then it did not go down any more. Maybe I had pushed myself too hard, I had been too strict or maybe the only thing that motivated me was that number on my scale.. The less it dropped the less motivated I felt. But I was glad to be smaller than in 6th grade or something. I think people started liking me more, I often went to the parties, had fun, started drinking, started eating, had fun and then I also started getting my weight back. 

It was alright at first, I was also content at 150. Somehow I even managed to maintain that for 2 years..  Until I went on a one-month holiday.. I had no scale for a month.. But I could see myself getting all the fat back.. when I came back home, I was shocked to see the results.. I had gained 5kg within one single little month. What the fuck! Shit. I was back at 73kg (161lbs) which means I had gained more than half of what I once lost. Since that, I've tried to get myself together, but I always end up binging after some 1-2 days of restricting myself.. I can't go on like that. This year has been awful for me so far - I've lost most of my best friends and I even don't talk to most of my acquaintances anymore. I have trouble making new friends because I have just lost my trust in people after being so fucked up because of one certain person.. I don't even want to know people. I can see they're nice people but I don't trust anyone, I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want them to know anything about me and I hate it when they notice me... I don't want them to see me, I don't want them to see my fat body, I can't stand this situation anymore and I want a change.

I want this year to end well, I want to remember it was a good one, even though so far it has seriously sucked. I need to be strong, I can't let my emotions take control over me.. I need to lose weight, I have to get back on track. It's the best time - we have a big garden and right now it's full of fresh, low-cal food and also I have a summer vacation, meaning I have no obligations, I have time for myself and I don't want to spend all that time eating.. I want to spend it pushing myself, improving, moving. I want to get out of this sick period in my life and it has to end.

Today I've eaten dried bananas (quite much, I think around 250cal already) and tomatoes with garlic, basil, salt, olive oil. A total of 500cal or so.. Tomorrow I'll try to not use olive oil again. It's not my favourite thing ever but it replaces my main weakness, sour cream, which I love... I tend to overuse it and usually I eat it with something like.. carbs... Such a bad habit. My family just loves sour cream. It's always there, in the fridge. Hard to resist, but I've managed to do it for 4 days already. I haven't given up on any of my weaknesses and I'm really trying not to. I don't plan to eat any more today, except blackcurrants if I go picking again. Maybe dried bananas because I have to get rid of this stupid pack anyway. But if I get hungry I'll make myself a cup of green peppermint tea. That should be it. 

I'm going jogging later on today. Right now it's too sunny. I'm feeling better already. I'm still a bit tired, but I seriously need to get up. Tomorrow I'm going to the mall with my friend and see my physical therapist and I want to weight less than 67kg. Take care. :)

4

67.5kg

Mom made the best cake ever today.

I mean I assume it's the best cake ever.

It looks so d e l i c i o u s... But I can't give up yet.

I really don't know how many calories I consumed today.

Dried apricots and bananas.

Tomatoes.

Olive oil.

Blackcurrants..

Not too many I guess.

I didn't feel dizzy but I just felt tired today. So tired.

Workout for my legs, but no walking, no jogging. Bleh.

I will try to run at least for like 20 minutes or so tomorrow.

I can't be THAT tired all the time. I have to get myself together.

Small run is better than no run.

 

3

Woke up 7am this morning.

I felt tired, had slept only for 5 hours. I usually sleep around 9 hours and even more if I don't eat so much.

Spent 3 hours laying in my bed, trying to fall asleep again but then gave up and checked the scale.

68.0kg 

Good good good.

So good I even ate breakfast. Ate three really small carrots, two boiled eggs and a tomato with salt. I don't count carrots and tomatoes (and other negative calorie foods) when calculating my calories so 150. Then ate cherries, pretty much of those but what can I do, at least better than eating candy or something. Drank 2 cups of green tea.

Also wanted to take some soup and I actually took some, just left it cooling down for a minute. Realized my bro had eaten it when I got back. Maybe it's better this way. He eats so much and he's skinny skinny skinny.

Wanted to leave it like that BUT later I felt quite dizzy and took a few dried apricots.

Went to the shop and bought green tea and some peppermint candy I don't like. I don't dislike it either, but I bought them just in case I need something to keep me up. Apricots are pretty good but I love them so much I tend to take too many. I'd rather eat none. Thought I should walk back from the shop, too, but it was quite hot and I was quite tired tbh. I don't feel so good right now but in a strange way I kinda like it. I saw a friend of mine and he said I'll give up and end up eating ice cream in some few days. Oh he knows me so well, but sometimes he can be wrooong. :D

Ate so many raspberries. Why so goood..? But I picked some up and stored them in my freeze box so I can eat when the winter comes. In case I can keep up until then.

Got home and ate a bit pangasius fish, skipped the rest of the dinner. I think it was alright to eat it, it's just a start, no need to go extreme yet and I feel weak already.

Did exercises for my legs (I've been doing those for some weeks now and I can see a small difference)

Didn't go jogging nor walking but I walked to the bus stop and stuff. I've been drinking water a lot and maybe a bit too much. But I've always had that habit.

A total of ~700 calories today. So far it's been good I guess. And the beginning is always a hard part for me, but haven't binged yet so probably this time I'll be successful.

And, Alison Mosshart is really good thinspiration for me right now. Wish I had her voice. Wish I had her charm. Wish I had her body. 

2

69,1kg this morning.

Not too bad.

I mean it sucks but it's way better than yesterday.

Woke up just in time for lunch. Hmpf. Ate 2 small raw carrots and tried to resit but couldn't.

Minced meat (turkey this time) with carrots and zucchini, again. Mom added some rice (bleh). Almost the same as yesterday. Added some tomatoes, garlic, salt, basil and olive oil. I ate pretty damn much but at least I was able to stop at one point.

Then a bit later I ate 2 small cucumbers with garlic and olive oil, salt.

 Not gonna use olive oil tomorrow.

Later I took 6 or 7 of cherries. These are small so it's not too much.

Skipped the dinner, thank god my parents were away.

Had a cup of coffee. 

It was pretty much the same as yesterday. Maybe a bit more calories.

Or maybe not. 

Didn't go jogging because the weather is horrible. I hate running in all these mud puddles, I went walking for a hour or so instead. Did my leg exercises. Why is my buttt so fat..

Tomorrow I don't want to see that 69 anymore.

Hoping to sleep until 2 or 3am, Maybe gonna pick some raspberries but depends on the weather. And depends on my mood.

Trying to eat something different tomorrow.

So proud I haven't eaten that goddamn ice cream.

I will do it this time.

1

Fresh start.  I totally fucked up yesterday. 69,9. Phew. Would have been so fucked emotionally if I saw a figure starting with number7.

So today, had a plan to sleep until around 4pm or so, but my sister woke me up 1pm. Fuck. Just in time for lunch but luckily my brothers ate my part. Managed to not eat until 4am, then ate 2 small cucumbers with garlic, salt and olive oil. Also 3 tomatoes went in with salt.




Had to pick cherries so ate a bit of those. Thornberries and blackcurrants too. Not too much, it was all under control.



Then ate some dinner my dad made, at least part of it, minced meat with zucchini and carrot, one of my favourites so I decided to eat. Didn't take much, instead I filled up my stomach with tomatoes (+basil, garlic, salt and olive oil), not too much oil but I will cut down on this too. At least didn't use any sour cream. Didn't really calculate but 600cal max, can't be more. It's alright because that 1st day is always a hard one and it's Sunday, daddy's at home and cooking all damn time. Hopefully I won't see that devil no7 tomorrow morning. Please don't go up, please don't.


Later I did some workout for my legs and went jogging. I got so tired, had to push myself, but finally finished where I wanted to. I think some 200-300cal burned. 

Tomorrow will be a hard day.. First days are hard and since I didn't get too damn hungry today, it'll probably happen tomorrow. At least paretns won't be home much.

Mommy is making ice cream, too, fucking hard. I keep telling myself if I manage to skip this one then I can skip any ice cream. Few more days, then it's gonna get easier. 

I'm so fat right now it's gross.. Can't wait to be smaller.

H:160cm HW:82,4kg LW:62,8kg CW:69,9kg GW1:61kg

List of my fucking weaknesses - and not eating these until next month -

1. Ice cream (it will be difficult as fuck)

2. Sour cream (will be even more difficult)

3. Wine

4. Actually all alcohol (shouldn't be too hard)

5. Wheat smut

6. Cookies (and pancakes and cakes)

7. Cheese (fuck fuck fuck I need it)

8. Mayonnaise (I know I have to eliminate it, otherwise I will replace sour cream with this shit)

9. Chocolate (in the fridge right now, who the fuck has bought this? Fuck you)

10. Juice (in the fridge and guess who's the fucker who bought it..)

I want to be tiny.
I will be.