1 - fresh start

66,5

I screwed up yesterday. Won't reach my goal, but whatever.. I don't even know if I could've lost 2kg in three days but I do know I can't lose 1,3kg in two days in a row so I fucked up and I'm dissapointed in myself.

The hardest part for me is the beginning... The first three days.. I can't just stop once I've started. After three days it's easier, I get used to it, I tell myself I've worked for this and if I screw up, I screw up what I've been working on for all this time.

I really want to start today.. I keep thinking "So, I'll eat some this and some of that and tomorrow I will not eat" but this is a lie. Tomorrow won't be a better day. Tomorrow I will weigh even more if I didn't start today. Every damn thing looks so delicious. Seriously, I MUST start today. I need to be in a better state of mind by the time I start school again, it's either now or not anytime soon.

I think about food all the time.

I think about food more than I think about my friends or family.

Food is like my everything. I want it to mean nothing. I don't want to love it anymore.

11AM - woke up

2PM - Haven't eaten anything yet. Water only. Let's see how long I can handle it. I should do something useful. Clean my room. Do the laundry. No food. Watch thinspo. Make a new weaknesses list. Take all the empty wine bottles to trash...

3PM - Made myself a cup of green tea. No food, just no. 

5PM - No, no, no. So hard.

9PM - Ate 2 small apples and 12 small plums today. Not eating any more. Good day overall. Over a long time. Will go to sleep soon.

New list of things I don't eat

 Will remove something every Sunday if I'm a good girl

1. Sour cream -- I've had like a year's dose within last few days

 2. Mayonnaise 

3. Ice cream -- I've had enough 

4. Milk

5. Pudding -- I often have some after school if I'm going to work out later. Not anymore.

6. Yoghurt -- Don't need anything to replace the pudding

7. Potato chips -- I don't even like those.

8. Jelly

9. Cheese -- might be the first thing I take off the list but it has to be here.

10. Olive oil -- this has to stop for a while

11. All candy except peppermint caramel

12. Wine

13. Cider

14. Vodka

15. Soda

16. Juice

17. Vermouth

18. Chocolate (except dark chocolate)

19. Burgers

20. Hotdogs

Okay that should be enough for now.

One big change - I allow myself to eat cookies, pastry and stuff... I think I shouldn't avoid wheat so much, I should rather focus on not eating milk products.. I don't think my body really likes lactose.