10

65,8

I did not stay under 500 today. 

Ate so much candy almost 300 calories. Disgusting!!

+ a big meal -- cabbage, minced meat, tomatoes, garlic, olive oil.

+ peas, gooseberries.

A total of 600-700 I think.

Exercised a bit. No cardio tho.

Today I looked in the mirror and my legs really did look a little bit better.

But not good enough yet. Gotta keep going.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

9 - Things I do instead of eating

66,3kg

yes yes yes I hope it's true haha unbelieveable

So far I've eaten a slice of black bread (120) and some berries (40), one candy (20) and grapes (10) today. I think I'll eat something later, a few tomatoes with olive oil maybe. 

I felt really hungry this morning, after I had had that slice of bread I wanted to take more and more but  I had to stop because it was 120 calories already and I want to stay under 300 today. 

So I had to do something. I had to get out of the kitchen. So I decided to go cycling for an hour. 

I came back and guess what -- I'm not even hungry anymore.

So there are some more things I do if I want to eat when I shouldn't --

1) I tell myself I don't have to - I take a deep breath, I tell myself I'm stronger than that, better than that and I have control over myself and my food. I remind myself my goals, my wishes, what I've done so far and where will I be in a few months.

2) I go outside - Swimming, jogging, cycling, skiing, even walking -- for me it's the best way to clear my mind. Sometimes I just take my mp3 player, water bottle and walk. It does burn calories. For some, it doesn't work, but for me, it does. It doesn't make me hungry, it makes me feel better and helps me to get my thoughts off food.

3) I read - I read other blogs, I read books, news, magazines, anything. Mostly blogs

4) TV - And I am NOT a TV fan at all, I think most of those shows are crap, but lately I've been watching some good documentaries and movies. My TV is really close to kitchen so this sucks a bit but I've set this rule for myself, no eating when I watch TV. Today I'm going to watch football, 1,5 hours of no eating for sure. :D

5) Writing this - Putting everything down here makes it a lot easier.

6)  I Sing - Either karaoke or just sing along to songs. It's impossible to sing and eat at the same time.

7) I take care of myself - I'm really lazy and usually I don't do my beauty procedures as often as I should, but I give myself a manicure or treat my hair.. Sometimes I even brush my teeth in the middle of the day.
8) Drinking - Water or tea of course. Sometimes coffee.
9) Dance - I put on some loud music and dance like no one's watching!! :D
10) I arrange my wardrobe - I orgnize my clothes, try on my smaller clothes, put away bigger clothes, if I fit into a smaller number it takes the hunger away, honestly.
11) Shopping - Sometimes I go and hang out in shops without buying anything and without having any intention to buy things.. Just walking around, trying things on, admiring stuff I can't afford and so on... It's almost like a workout.
12) I play some instrument - I have a guitar, but usually I go to a school near my home and play the piano there. I wish I had a piano at home, but no money, no room. The school is a mile away from my home, it's almost PERFECT and the only bad thing is I can't play during classes or at night. And I've heard it burns calories. 
13) Schoolwork - I'd rather have good grades than extra pounds.

Going back to school in September. I think I'm going to work harder this year. I actually promise that same damn thing every damn year but since it's my last year, it's my last chance to actually do it. And I might want to go to some good university next year so I should really get myself together.

8

66,9kg 

(FUCK YES BYE 67 I HOPE I WON'T GAIN NOW)

Today I ate:

Six cucumbers with garlic, salt, olive oil.

Three small tomatoes

A small piece of chicken

5 dried apricots

234567898765432345678 blackcurrants and gooseberries.

The bad thing is, I really did eat a lot of berries.

The good thing is, I'm done with blackcurrants. So done. I have picked ALLLLLL the blackcurrants (We have around ten BIG currant bushes in our garden). All of them!! I did NOT eat them all, we store most of the berries in a freeze box and eat our berries all year round and some we just gave away, but I still feel I've had too much. I can't even count the calories, I don't have any idea how much berries I've eaten.

And then another bad thing - gooseberries are ripe now. I mean it's good but I can't stop once I start eating.. I keep telling myself it's good, everything's healthy but then I eat so much it's not okay anymore. I should tell someone else to do the picking, but it wouldn't be fair, others in my family don't eat them as much as I do - I constantly take a few handfuls every now and then when I need something sweet during winter.. Others just go for ice cream or some baked goods. On some periods, we don't buy any healthy stuff like vegetables or fruits at all because things are DAMN EXPENSIVE in such a cold country.. Well these goods are full of toxin anyway.. Hopefully, one day, I'll live in some warmer place. :D

It was so HOT today. Going to do my legs workout now that the sun finally sets. Not pleased with myself because I should work out more.

I think I'll try to have a 300 calorie day tomorrow, 500 the day after tomorrow and Thursday fast.

But my dad is at home this week so we'll see how it goes. He has noticed I don't eat that much anymore AND he keeps offering me food all the time. I know I'm not making him happy right now..

I can't daddy, I'm sorry.

Take care!!

7

67,0 yesterday

67,0 today

Didn't eat much yesterday, tomatoes, zucchini, blackcurrants, olive oil, garlic, salt.. At least I didn't gain haha. Today has been really difficult so far, ate some blackcurrants and tomatoes for breakfast, soup for lunch and thought I'd skip the dinner BUT then my parents decided to call some people over for dinner and I had to eat too... So, fried potatoes and tomato salad with olive oil. I didn't take much though, so I'm pretty sure I'm under 500 calories but I don't know, I think I might have some curse or something, I can't get below 67. Alright, I lost 2,9kg in a week, that's great and no wonder it won't go down that easily anymore. But I still have much to lose.

Yesterday did some exercise for my legs.

Today went cycling, 450cal burned. Will do my leg exercises later.

I'm actually quite proud I haven't touched any cakes my mom has made so far. 

I'm trying to stay positive. Lately I've been feeling much better, I should try to push myself and exercise a bit more.

6 - Gained

67.5kg

Why the fuck? I gained weight. Didn't eat that much.

Fuck this number.

Spent the day shopping and stuff, so atleast I wasn't near the fridge. Really felt like I should give up again.

I think I thought about entering every single cafe on my way but thank god I'm poor and don't wanna spend money on food. I'm not even hungry anymore. I don't feel any hunger!!!!! I just wanna eat. Just because. But well I bought some beauty products instead. So it was a good day I think.

Ate 3 carrots, a bit chicken and loadsof blackcurrants when I got home.

If I gain tomorrow then goodbye blackcurrants... :D

Not going to eat more today. I'll do some exercise later for sure.

I can't even explain how much writing this down helps me.. I doubt I would've gone jogging yesterday if I hadn't written it here. I really did go altough I'm such a lazy person.

I'm a bit disappointed I already gained weight but to be honest, not in bad mood... I didn't lose control. I managed not to eat that lovely sour cream and ice cream when I got home. I seriously hate how much I love sour cream. I wish my daddy would stop buying it. Not giving up!!!! No no no. No sour cream for me!

In some months I'll be small enough to be picked up like that.

5 - My story

67,1kg

Good! I've finally found enough motivation to last longer than three days.

This has not happened for a while.

I have always been fat and this time I really want to get thin. I've tried so many times and given up so many times. I want this time to be different. I've been successful only once, that was like two years ago when I managed to lose 20kgs (44 pounds) in 2,5 months. Let's be honest, I was way too fat. I had so much fat to lose. No muscle, just pure fat, fat and more fat. I even felt good with all this fat, confident, happy... What ever. Everything changed. I have no idea why I even started dieting, but when I did it, I realized how big role looks can play in one's life, relationships, everything..

I was 181.6lbs and set a goal of 150lbs. It was not too hard to reach so I pushed myself even more. The  lighest I've ever been is 136.6lbs and then it did not go down any more. Maybe I had pushed myself too hard, I had been too strict or maybe the only thing that motivated me was that number on my scale.. The less it dropped the less motivated I felt. But I was glad to be smaller than in 6th grade or something. I think people started liking me more, I often went to the parties, had fun, started drinking, started eating, had fun and then I also started getting my weight back. 

It was alright at first, I was also content at 150. Somehow I even managed to maintain that for 2 years..  Until I went on a one-month holiday.. I had no scale for a month.. But I could see myself getting all the fat back.. when I came back home, I was shocked to see the results.. I had gained 5kg within one single little month. What the fuck! Shit. I was back at 73kg (161lbs) which means I had gained more than half of what I once lost. Since that, I've tried to get myself together, but I always end up binging after some 1-2 days of restricting myself.. I can't go on like that. This year has been awful for me so far - I've lost most of my best friends and I even don't talk to most of my acquaintances anymore. I have trouble making new friends because I have just lost my trust in people after being so fucked up because of one certain person.. I don't even want to know people. I can see they're nice people but I don't trust anyone, I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want them to know anything about me and I hate it when they notice me... I don't want them to see me, I don't want them to see my fat body, I can't stand this situation anymore and I want a change.

I want this year to end well, I want to remember it was a good one, even though so far it has seriously sucked. I need to be strong, I can't let my emotions take control over me.. I need to lose weight, I have to get back on track. It's the best time - we have a big garden and right now it's full of fresh, low-cal food and also I have a summer vacation, meaning I have no obligations, I have time for myself and I don't want to spend all that time eating.. I want to spend it pushing myself, improving, moving. I want to get out of this sick period in my life and it has to end.

Today I've eaten dried bananas (quite much, I think around 250cal already) and tomatoes with garlic, basil, salt, olive oil. A total of 500cal or so.. Tomorrow I'll try to not use olive oil again. It's not my favourite thing ever but it replaces my main weakness, sour cream, which I love... I tend to overuse it and usually I eat it with something like.. carbs... Such a bad habit. My family just loves sour cream. It's always there, in the fridge. Hard to resist, but I've managed to do it for 4 days already. I haven't given up on any of my weaknesses and I'm really trying not to. I don't plan to eat any more today, except blackcurrants if I go picking again. Maybe dried bananas because I have to get rid of this stupid pack anyway. But if I get hungry I'll make myself a cup of green peppermint tea. That should be it. 

I'm going jogging later on today. Right now it's too sunny. I'm feeling better already. I'm still a bit tired, but I seriously need to get up. Tomorrow I'm going to the mall with my friend and see my physical therapist and I want to weight less than 67kg. Take care. :)

4

67.5kg

Mom made the best cake ever today.

I mean I assume it's the best cake ever.

It looks so d e l i c i o u s... But I can't give up yet.

I really don't know how many calories I consumed today.

Dried apricots and bananas.

Tomatoes.

Olive oil.

Blackcurrants..

Not too many I guess.

I didn't feel dizzy but I just felt tired today. So tired.

Workout for my legs, but no walking, no jogging. Bleh.

I will try to run at least for like 20 minutes or so tomorrow.

I can't be THAT tired all the time. I have to get myself together.

Small run is better than no run.

 

3

Woke up 7am this morning.

I felt tired, had slept only for 5 hours. I usually sleep around 9 hours and even more if I don't eat so much.

Spent 3 hours laying in my bed, trying to fall asleep again but then gave up and checked the scale.

68.0kg 

Good good good.

So good I even ate breakfast. Ate three really small carrots, two boiled eggs and a tomato with salt. I don't count carrots and tomatoes (and other negative calorie foods) when calculating my calories so 150. Then ate cherries, pretty much of those but what can I do, at least better than eating candy or something. Drank 2 cups of green tea.

Also wanted to take some soup and I actually took some, just left it cooling down for a minute. Realized my bro had eaten it when I got back. Maybe it's better this way. He eats so much and he's skinny skinny skinny.

Wanted to leave it like that BUT later I felt quite dizzy and took a few dried apricots.

Went to the shop and bought green tea and some peppermint candy I don't like. I don't dislike it either, but I bought them just in case I need something to keep me up. Apricots are pretty good but I love them so much I tend to take too many. I'd rather eat none. Thought I should walk back from the shop, too, but it was quite hot and I was quite tired tbh. I don't feel so good right now but in a strange way I kinda like it. I saw a friend of mine and he said I'll give up and end up eating ice cream in some few days. Oh he knows me so well, but sometimes he can be wrooong. :D

Ate so many raspberries. Why so goood..? But I picked some up and stored them in my freeze box so I can eat when the winter comes. In case I can keep up until then.

Got home and ate a bit pangasius fish, skipped the rest of the dinner. I think it was alright to eat it, it's just a start, no need to go extreme yet and I feel weak already.

Did exercises for my legs (I've been doing those for some weeks now and I can see a small difference)

Didn't go jogging nor walking but I walked to the bus stop and stuff. I've been drinking water a lot and maybe a bit too much. But I've always had that habit.

A total of ~700 calories today. So far it's been good I guess. And the beginning is always a hard part for me, but haven't binged yet so probably this time I'll be successful.

And, Alison Mosshart is really good thinspiration for me right now. Wish I had her voice. Wish I had her charm. Wish I had her body. 

2

69,1kg this morning.

Not too bad.

I mean it sucks but it's way better than yesterday.

Woke up just in time for lunch. Hmpf. Ate 2 small raw carrots and tried to resit but couldn't.

Minced meat (turkey this time) with carrots and zucchini, again. Mom added some rice (bleh). Almost the same as yesterday. Added some tomatoes, garlic, salt, basil and olive oil. I ate pretty damn much but at least I was able to stop at one point.

Then a bit later I ate 2 small cucumbers with garlic and olive oil, salt.

 Not gonna use olive oil tomorrow.

Later I took 6 or 7 of cherries. These are small so it's not too much.

Skipped the dinner, thank god my parents were away.

Had a cup of coffee. 

It was pretty much the same as yesterday. Maybe a bit more calories.

Or maybe not. 

Didn't go jogging because the weather is horrible. I hate running in all these mud puddles, I went walking for a hour or so instead. Did my leg exercises. Why is my buttt so fat..

Tomorrow I don't want to see that 69 anymore.

Hoping to sleep until 2 or 3am, Maybe gonna pick some raspberries but depends on the weather. And depends on my mood.

Trying to eat something different tomorrow.

So proud I haven't eaten that goddamn ice cream.

I will do it this time.

1

Fresh start.  I totally fucked up yesterday. 69,9. Phew. Would have been so fucked emotionally if I saw a figure starting with number7.

So today, had a plan to sleep until around 4pm or so, but my sister woke me up 1pm. Fuck. Just in time for lunch but luckily my brothers ate my part. Managed to not eat until 4am, then ate 2 small cucumbers with garlic, salt and olive oil. Also 3 tomatoes went in with salt.




Had to pick cherries so ate a bit of those. Thornberries and blackcurrants too. Not too much, it was all under control.



Then ate some dinner my dad made, at least part of it, minced meat with zucchini and carrot, one of my favourites so I decided to eat. Didn't take much, instead I filled up my stomach with tomatoes (+basil, garlic, salt and olive oil), not too much oil but I will cut down on this too. At least didn't use any sour cream. Didn't really calculate but 600cal max, can't be more. It's alright because that 1st day is always a hard one and it's Sunday, daddy's at home and cooking all damn time. Hopefully I won't see that devil no7 tomorrow morning. Please don't go up, please don't.


Later I did some workout for my legs and went jogging. I got so tired, had to push myself, but finally finished where I wanted to. I think some 200-300cal burned. 

Tomorrow will be a hard day.. First days are hard and since I didn't get too damn hungry today, it'll probably happen tomorrow. At least paretns won't be home much.

Mommy is making ice cream, too, fucking hard. I keep telling myself if I manage to skip this one then I can skip any ice cream. Few more days, then it's gonna get easier. 

I'm so fat right now it's gross.. Can't wait to be smaller.

H:160cm HW:82,4kg LW:62,8kg CW:69,9kg GW1:61kg

List of my fucking weaknesses - and not eating these until next month -

1. Ice cream (it will be difficult as fuck)

2. Sour cream (will be even more difficult)

3. Wine

4. Actually all alcohol (shouldn't be too hard)

5. Wheat smut

6. Cookies (and pancakes and cakes)

7. Cheese (fuck fuck fuck I need it)

8. Mayonnaise (I know I have to eliminate it, otherwise I will replace sour cream with this shit)

9. Chocolate (in the fridge right now, who the fuck has bought this? Fuck you)

10. Juice (in the fridge and guess who's the fucker who bought it..)

I want to be tiny.
I will be.