5 - My story

67,1kg

Good! I've finally found enough motivation to last longer than three days.

This has not happened for a while.

I have always been fat and this time I really want to get thin. I've tried so many times and given up so many times. I want this time to be different. I've been successful only once, that was like two years ago when I managed to lose 20kgs (44 pounds) in 2,5 months. Let's be honest, I was way too fat. I had so much fat to lose. No muscle, just pure fat, fat and more fat. I even felt good with all this fat, confident, happy... What ever. Everything changed. I have no idea why I even started dieting, but when I did it, I realized how big role looks can play in one's life, relationships, everything..

I was 181.6lbs and set a goal of 150lbs. It was not too hard to reach so I pushed myself even more. The  lighest I've ever been is 136.6lbs and then it did not go down any more. Maybe I had pushed myself too hard, I had been too strict or maybe the only thing that motivated me was that number on my scale.. The less it dropped the less motivated I felt. But I was glad to be smaller than in 6th grade or something. I think people started liking me more, I often went to the parties, had fun, started drinking, started eating, had fun and then I also started getting my weight back. 

It was alright at first, I was also content at 150. Somehow I even managed to maintain that for 2 years..  Until I went on a one-month holiday.. I had no scale for a month.. But I could see myself getting all the fat back.. when I came back home, I was shocked to see the results.. I had gained 5kg within one single little month. What the fuck! Shit. I was back at 73kg (161lbs) which means I had gained more than half of what I once lost. Since that, I've tried to get myself together, but I always end up binging after some 1-2 days of restricting myself.. I can't go on like that. This year has been awful for me so far - I've lost most of my best friends and I even don't talk to most of my acquaintances anymore. I have trouble making new friends because I have just lost my trust in people after being so fucked up because of one certain person.. I don't even want to know people. I can see they're nice people but I don't trust anyone, I don't want to talk to anybody, I don't want them to know anything about me and I hate it when they notice me... I don't want them to see me, I don't want them to see my fat body, I can't stand this situation anymore and I want a change.

I want this year to end well, I want to remember it was a good one, even though so far it has seriously sucked. I need to be strong, I can't let my emotions take control over me.. I need to lose weight, I have to get back on track. It's the best time - we have a big garden and right now it's full of fresh, low-cal food and also I have a summer vacation, meaning I have no obligations, I have time for myself and I don't want to spend all that time eating.. I want to spend it pushing myself, improving, moving. I want to get out of this sick period in my life and it has to end.

Today I've eaten dried bananas (quite much, I think around 250cal already) and tomatoes with garlic, basil, salt, olive oil. A total of 500cal or so.. Tomorrow I'll try to not use olive oil again. It's not my favourite thing ever but it replaces my main weakness, sour cream, which I love... I tend to overuse it and usually I eat it with something like.. carbs... Such a bad habit. My family just loves sour cream. It's always there, in the fridge. Hard to resist, but I've managed to do it for 4 days already. I haven't given up on any of my weaknesses and I'm really trying not to. I don't plan to eat any more today, except blackcurrants if I go picking again. Maybe dried bananas because I have to get rid of this stupid pack anyway. But if I get hungry I'll make myself a cup of green peppermint tea. That should be it. 

I'm going jogging later on today. Right now it's too sunny. I'm feeling better already. I'm still a bit tired, but I seriously need to get up. Tomorrow I'm going to the mall with my friend and see my physical therapist and I want to weight less than 67kg. Take care. :)