1 - fresh start

66,5

I screwed up yesterday. Won't reach my goal, but whatever.. I don't even know if I could've lost 2kg in three days but I do know I can't lose 1,3kg in two days in a row so I fucked up and I'm dissapointed in myself.

The hardest part for me is the beginning... The first three days.. I can't just stop once I've started. After three days it's easier, I get used to it, I tell myself I've worked for this and if I screw up, I screw up what I've been working on for all this time.

I really want to start today.. I keep thinking "So, I'll eat some this and some of that and tomorrow I will not eat" but this is a lie. Tomorrow won't be a better day. Tomorrow I will weigh even more if I didn't start today. Every damn thing looks so delicious. Seriously, I MUST start today. I need to be in a better state of mind by the time I start school again, it's either now or not anytime soon.

I think about food all the time.

I think about food more than I think about my friends or family.

Food is like my everything. I want it to mean nothing. I don't want to love it anymore.

11AM - woke up

2PM - Haven't eaten anything yet. Water only. Let's see how long I can handle it. I should do something useful. Clean my room. Do the laundry. No food. Watch thinspo. Make a new weaknesses list. Take all the empty wine bottles to trash...

3PM - Made myself a cup of green tea. No food, just no. 

5PM - No, no, no. So hard.

9PM - Ate 2 small apples and 12 small plums today. Not eating any more. Good day overall. Over a long time. Will go to sleep soon.

New list of things I don't eat

 Will remove something every Sunday if I'm a good girl

1. Sour cream -- I've had like a year's dose within last few days

 2. Mayonnaise 

3. Ice cream -- I've had enough 

4. Milk

5. Pudding -- I often have some after school if I'm going to work out later. Not anymore.

6. Yoghurt -- Don't need anything to replace the pudding

7. Potato chips -- I don't even like those.

8. Jelly

9. Cheese -- might be the first thing I take off the list but it has to be here.

10. Olive oil -- this has to stop for a while

11. All candy except peppermint caramel

12. Wine

13. Cider

14. Vodka

15. Soda

16. Juice

17. Vermouth

18. Chocolate (except dark chocolate)

19. Burgers

20. Hotdogs

Okay that should be enough for now.

One big change - I allow myself to eat cookies, pastry and stuff... I think I shouldn't avoid wheat so much, I should rather focus on not eating milk products.. I don't think my body really likes lactose.

0

66,0

Ate everything yesterday and ate everything today and will probably gain a million pounds now.

I am so mad at myself.

I worked so hard and now I ruin everything within a day or two.

"Tomorrow I'll" yeah whatever the fuck tomorrow might be worse even though it's hard to eat more than I did today.

WHY AM I SO DUMB???????? What's wrong?? I'm so afraid of tomorrow. Afraid of THAT number..  It has become so important for me, it's almost like.. the only thing I want.. I want that number to be smaller and smaller than smaller but I keep on fucking it up.

I don't know.

It used to be easier.

I didn't gain during the trip.

And now I've become such a fat ass in just a few days.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!!!!!!! 

GETTTTT YOUR LAZY ASSS OFF THE COUCH!!!!

0

65,5 the day before yesterday

66,6 yesterday

65,2 today

Most shitty crappy eating shit week in my life and everything besides eating is absolutely amazing, life is good fabulous paradise love joy but I can't stop. I MUST STOP! Today has been almost okay, two (five now, ate during writing this) vanilla cookies, fish, olive oil, garlic, salt, tomatoes, cucumbers, I should eat less but that's better than yesterday or the days before.. I've been drinking, binging, smoking, eating sweets, I don't even want to, it's just that...

It's just because I can...

School on monday. My goal is to be below 64,0 by then. Possible if I start today. Should fast tomorrow maybe..

3

64,2

It's a miracle.

I ate two small chocolate eggs and rice and pepper yesterday plus what I wrote earlier. Okay chocolate eggs weren't small, more like medium or big.. But that's not the main problem. The main problem is, I WENT DRINKING AND I SUCK!!!! FUCK!! And then, when drunk, started eating some chips. I hate these, not even a little bit deliciousss!! And I can't believe, I didn't gain weight, I actually weight less than I did before Italy.... HOW?????? How is that possible?! How did I do it? Should I start drinking more? Eat more choco eggs? Work out less? 

Alright I did cycle 8 miles or something yesterday, but that doesn't have any effect on me for sure. It's just probably dehydration caused by that bloody wine and vodka shit. I'll gain all back by tomorrow, watch me. Alright good thing is, I don't have a scale tomorrow, don't wanna face those huge numbers.

Today, so far: Minced meat, turkish beans, carrots, salt, tomatoes. Dunno what to eat, gonna cycle later and maybe drinking, need some energy but I'm afraid to gain everything back.

We'll see what happens..

2

65,9 yesterday

64,9 today

So the day before yesterday, I ended up binging. Started out with healthy salads, then took some soup, then went for the cakes, then everything random... After that, I just felt sick. I purged, felt bad for some little time and then what? I binged again. What a dumb thing to do, I was so mad at myself!! I hadn't purged for quite some time, but one night near Rome I decided to do it "just this one more time" and now back home another "last time" and I don't want to continue like this, it is gross and I feel like shit every time I do it. Must stop.

Yesterday morning I got myself together. Ate around 15 plums, straight from our garden. Sounds like huge amount of food but actually it's huge amount of laxative. Ate clean for the rest of the day, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, olive oil, salt, rice, a little bit chichken, garlic, apples and blackberries. No exercise or anything, that was a bit bad yeah. But I'm content with what I saw on the scale today. I'm even a little bit okay with what I see in the mirror.

Today I've eaten plums, not as many as yesterday, but still many. Tomatoes, cucumbers with olive oil, salt and garlic.... Gonna eat something more later. Must get back to exercising, ohhhhhh. Hard to get back to it when I've broken the routine already. I feel damn cold at home, damn, it was so warm in Italy and now I feel cold and a little bit sick here... Alright. Today won't be any problem, but this weekend I'm going to visit a few friends and I have to be careful. Today I'm going on a party but I plan to stay 100% sober and stay there only for some half and hour or so. That's the plan. I will stick to the plan. I'll be pretttty oneday. :D

 

0

64,9

Hello lovelies, I'm back!!

Damn it was hard without that scale..

Went to Italy with my schoolmates - the trip was absolutely amazing, we had so much fun. Saw so many people I had missed. Ate so much food, I didn't really miss that but whaaatever and drank so much wine honestly I've never had so much ever before.

And after all of this, 64,9???! What?! I managed to not gain a million billion pounds??! I've gained only one! What is this I don't even know but ohhhhhh man I'm so happy about that! No workouts, no healthy food, no water, nothing.. I just kept eating almost everything and anything I could...

At first I wrote down everything I ate but soon I gave up because I ate so much come on it was too hard. Fresh croissants every morning, pasta, pizza, pastry, ice cream, wine, basically I took every possible tasty meal I was offered.. Shit. And after all, we were supposed to be back home like three or so days ago but our god damn bus broke down and couldn't really be repaired nor even replaced!! We were stuck in Italy, spent three nights in some random hotel which stood right next to a MacDonald's so fresh chickenburgers for lunch and McFlurries for dinner or whatever. And then over the street there was such a good pizza restaurant so add that too.. And we had nothing much to do so we kept on drinking and drinking...

And I didn't gain a million pounds...

I did miss healthy food a lot, feels horrible if you can't get fresh tomatoes and stuff from anywhere. There was no market near the hotel and I also started running out of money which meant I lived on cheap burgers and pizza. I came back home with only 10 damn euros, now I'm poor as fuck. 

But it feels so good to be back home.

I'm still not back on track, yesterday on our way back I tried my best to spend all my foreign currency (I felt like if I don't spend it now then this money will stay on my cupboard forever and it'll be useless) and we went shopping in Poland, horribly cheap food in Poland, dammmn.. So today I've eaten tic tac, one Daim chocolate, two muesli bars, cucumber salad with olive oil and garlic and tomato-pepper salad with garlic and some cream or something (dunno even what it is but it's delicious and full of fat) i bought from Poland.. Not even close to shiiitload I consumed in Italy, but not really good either. I will try to get back on track and start working out and lose a few pounds before September.

Thank you darlings for everything you've said before - I feel like I don't walk the walk alone. Gonna catch up on blogs and then get some sleep later. :)

 

16

64,5

Going away in a few hours. I've eaten too much today, made some pizza, with cheese and everything, drank wine, horrible. VERY BAD EATING TODAY. I'm going to be in Italy for some 10 days or so, guess what else there's gonna be? Pasta, more pizza, more wine, everything, honestly... Fuck, fuck, fuck!! I've come quite far and now I destroy everything...

I'll start again when I'm back. I'll try not to gain too much.

 

14 - 15

65,1 yesterday

64,8 today

I'm pretty pleased I must say. Now I just hope it's not going up..

My trip coming closer and I'm getting really scared. Can't even weigh myself everyday. I know I shouldn't but it's hard not to. I depend on my scale. Horrible.

Yesterday ate a slice of bread, gooseberries, tomatoes, salt, olive oil, garlic, some greasy zucchini, carrots, blackberries that's all I can recall maybe there was more but I don't know. Went cycling + workout.

Today I've eaten tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and onion salad with olive oil, garlic and salt. Pretty big portion, not proud. Then rice with tuna and tomatoes, bad. Dried apricots. Blackberries. And the worst - some semolina-based dessert my mom made, ugh, I didn't take much but I just.... What was on my mind?? I don't even like this stuff so much. I don't know how much sugar it contains but probably too much.  Not planning to eat more today. Will do my workout later.

Gotta be strong!!

13

66,2 again, alright

Didn't eat anything today. 

Did my workout, felt really good and happy, haven't felt like this for a while. Didn't go cycling but what ever I'm very ok with everything today. It was a good day and I'm in a good mood!!!

4 days until Italy.

12

66,2

I ate too much yesterday. It started out well and then I just got so hungry, I took some candy, I couldn't stop anymore, I quite fucked up and then ate some more, I don't even remember how much I ate.. I'm just having some bad days, my head aches, my legs hurt. I don't feel so motivated right now because I'm going to Italy next week and I have no fucking idea what to do. I know I can't go on like this, I don't want people to notice or ask me if I'm on a diet or something, I don't want to eat but I'll probably have to. I'm scared. I think I'm going fat anyway. But before, I'd really like to reach 65,0kg, I'd like to be able to wear my dresses or skirts because the weather will be HOT there.. I have five days, I hope it's possible, I'm going to work for it. I will.

Today I ate cucumbers and tomatoes with garlic, olive oil, salt, dried apricots. I probably ate too much and I won't be surprised if I continue to gain weight tomorrow. I eat healthy food, but too much healthy food and it's not so healthy anymore. My parents are away so tomorrow would be good for a small fast... Either tomorrow or not so soon. And I should work out MUCH more. Basically, I haven't done anything for two days now. I have a list of things I should do tomorrow - sleep until noon, wash my clothes, clean the kitchen, go cycling, cook for my brothers, clean my own room, pick all the gooseberries and blackberries and freeze them, watch some movie, find and download a million new songs to listen to when on a trip and find some books to read... Hopefully it will keep me occupied. 

11 - August!

65,5

I'm not fasting today. Maybe some other time. My weight has been dropping a bit too fast I think. I'm SO HAPPY SO DAMN glad it's gone but I'm afraid I might gain all back if I push myself too hard. I've eaten around 200 calories today, black bread, gooseberries, peas, cucumbers. Will eat some minced meat with carrots and peppers, tomatoes and olive oil later I think.

So, it's finally August!! It means I've completed my challenge, didn't eat anything from my weaknesses list for 10 days!! It wasn't easy. Ice cream was the hardest part at first, then sour cream... But now I already feel I can survive without right now.. It's been harder to resist all the cakes and pastry... And sometimes I really feel like "damn, this cheese looks so damn delicious, I mustn't but I have to.. I need it... No I don't need it. But I really do. Damn. Cheese. Alright, breathe in, breathe out... Get away. Go outside.. No cheese for you. Find something else to do..." well you get the point. 

At first I thought I would reward myself with everything on the list now that I'm done with my small challenge but that wouldn't be really a good reward... So instead, I will reward myself and allow myself to take one thing off this list and keep away from the rest for a week.. And if successful, I can remove something again. 

1. Ice cream

2. Sour cream

3. Wine

4. Alcohol

4. Wheat smut

5. Cookies, cakes

6. Cheese

7. Mayonnaise

8. Chocolate

9. Juice

Just in case. This doesn't actually leave me with many drinking options because I usually drink vodka with juice or wine and those are still on the list and I usually don't overdrink when I drink pure vodka so this should be safe. I can't imagine how much I'd eat right now if I took cakes or cheese off this list so better leave them in. :D

I was also planning to start some 30-day challenge today but I'm going on a trip soon and I'm quite sure I would fail the challenge. I should leave that for september and try to stick with what I've been doing so far.